Technology these days has invaded almost every part of our lives, whether we like it or not. Even our refrigerators are WiFi enabled. But it seems as though some device manufacturers have gotten a little too trigger happy when it comes to creating products that follow this trend. Some things probably don’t need to be “connected” or high-tech. This author personally feels that the following items definitely fit comfortably in that category. Let’s do it:

1. Bluetooth Yoga Mat

Many modern techies love yoga. And there’s nothing wrong with that, yoga is good exercise (have you done legit yoga? Sweat city, USA). But I guess for some people, following along with a video or class instructor just isn’t enough. Say namaste to the Beacon yoga mat by Quirky (I suppose the company name is pretty indicative of their products). The mat is supposed to help you find the proper footing and balance for your yoga stance via built-in LEDs, and will talk to your computer or smartphone via bluetooth to keep track of your progress. Maybe I don’t care about proper yoga technique as I should, but this seems to be an extremely niche device – Although I’m sure Silicon Valley’s “quantified self” yogis will be all over this.

2. Bluetooth Breathalyzer

The idea of a personal breathalyzer to keep track of your blood alcohol content is a good one (although possibly on the realms of legally shady). But personal-use breathalyzers are already pretty pricey. So why would you want to buy a breathalyzer for MORE money that pretty much just lets your see your BAC on your phone’s screen? What’s wrong with, say, a breathalyzer that just says “you’re good to go”, or “no, put the keys down”? Although this could, conceivably, be a fun drinking game (I am not responsible for those who read this and subsequently get acute alcohol poisoning).

3. Headphone port laser pointer

Yeah, ok. So I’m going to use up my cell phone’s (already limited) battery so that I can point a laser with it? Seriously, all this does is move the on button to an app. While taking up my headphone port. Besides all that, it’s tiny! Where am I going to store that when I want to, you know, use my phone?

4. iPotty iPad potty stand

Get your kids’ internet addiction started early with the help of the iPotty, an combination iPad stand and toilet trainer for your toddler! I suppose if you are a parent who wants to spend a one-time fee of $500 for an electronic babysitter, this is a very nice accessory, but what path are we forcing our children down with this product? I for one consider pooping a time for reflection and meditation…and the occasional browsing of twitter. But I feel like a toddler should probably be concentrating on the task at hand when potty training.

5. Bluetooth fork

For millennia, eating utensils have not changed…until now? Yeah, I don’t think so either. This device, called the HAPIfork (I’m guessing the name was selected, during an incredibly intense planning meeting…from a hat) is for tracking your eating habits, and to gently inform you via vibration when you’re eating too fast. You know what else provides feedback when you eat too fast? Choking. The app that you use with this fork lets you track your food and keep an eye on how long it takes for you to eat. So, lets walk through a meal time: in addition to you actually, you know, cooking, you need to open the app, start a meal, enter your food, start eating, finish eating (but not too fast!), go into the app and finish the meal, so that a freaking bluetooth enabled fork can tell you how long it took to eat.